When people come into my office, especially couples, they usually have a “problem” that they want to fix. Couples tend to say “We have a problem”. It seems it’s easier to lump all of one’s problems together into one huge, singular problem - poor communication, too much drinking, not enough sex.
The problem is actually an accumulation of a number of sub-problems. On top of that, not all of these sub-problems are the responsibility of just one person. The ownership of these difficulties actually belong to a number of different people. This isn’t to say that someone may choose to own the whole problem or someone may try to convince someone else they own everything, but, in reality, we all own parts of an issue.
I’ve been working on a way to describe “owning your part of the problem and giving away the rest” so that I could move from heady conceptualization to practical tool. As is often the case, a client supplied me with a near-perfect metaphor - a sack of potatoes. Not only does this metaphor work, but it also is funny enough that it will stick in your memory. You can actually grab a sack of potatoes and have the metaphor right there with you. Let me explain…
A problem is like a sack of potatoes. The sack could represent the problem. Either you are holding it or someone else is holding it (or it’s laying on the ground being ignored). Yet, the sack actually holds all the potatoes. Each potato represents a part of the problem. Added together, all the potatoes make up one large problem. Now, you can accept the entire sack, or you can look at each potato and determine if the potato belongs in your sack… or someone else’s. Some of the problems are your responsibility (you own them). Some of them are not your responsibility (someone else owns them).
You have a wonderful, powerful choice. You can own the entire sack of problems or you can give some of the problems to their rightful owners. The hard part about this process is identifying - honestly recognizing - who owns what part of the problem.
Let’s put the ownership of problems into a concrete example. Let’s say your partner is angry that you continue to live like a pig and demands that you fix your problem - wash the dirty dishes you leave in the sink and start putting your dirty clothes left in that pile near the bed into the hamper (Yes, I’m talking to the men out there.) If you want, you can own the entire problem, clean the house like you’re told, become resentful, become angry, and then go back to your old behaviors (rinse and repeat). Another option? Disavow any part of the problem. You can chose to give away the entire sack of potatoes to your spouse by believing your partner is too picky, neat, or controlling, believe that they have to “get over it”/”deal with it”, and continue to do the same behavior.
In either scenario, it doesn’t seem very balanced, does it?
Now, if you take an honest, balanced look at the problem and analyze what parts you own and those which you don’t own, you might feel less resentful/angry/frustrated and have a better relationship.
For instance, you might take responsibility for your ability to be a bit lazy. Sometimes you just don’t want to clean up and would much prefer to relax. (And the pile of dirty clothes tend to magically make it into the hamper anyway, right?) Perhaps you can own the “I often take my spouse for granted” potato.
The part that you might NOT own, and choose to give away, is your partner’s need to be overly clean. Perhaps you can give your partner the “control” potato. The one that represents the need to control anxiety by controlling the environment to such a degree that nothing can be out of order.
Once you recognize your part of the problem, it is then your responsibility to change your part of the problem. You might communicate your acknowledgement of your part of the problem and negotiate a deal that, you might still dump your clothes in a pile, but every two days, you promise to pick up the pile and put it into the clothes hamper and certainly have it cleaned up before guests come over or laundry day. You might take ownership of your need to relax after dinner, and recognize that you might take that a bit too far when the dishes are creating penicillin in the sink. It might be that you own having to put some energy and effort into creating a habit of clearing the sink by the end of every evening.
It takes some courage to plunge into your sack of potatoes and examine which ones are really yours to own.
Which reminds me of a poem:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
–Reinhold Niebuhr
Mastering Your Hidden Self
Yoga for Depression
