I don’t know when my informal research began, but I’m certain it was before I had kids. I was fascinated by the belief that the first word a child learns to say is the word “no”. It was also interesting that another popular belief is that, precisely on a child’s second birthday, “no” becomes the answer to everything.

I wanted to figure out how the process of learning this word occurs so I could avoid it with my own kids. I started listening to parents as well as normal people to see when, and how often, people said the word “no”, because, popular wisdom holds that, the more often we hear something, the more likely we’ll believe it and use it. My observation on the quesion of “How often?”… quite a bit!

The obvious usages were when someone is asked a closed-ended question that demands a “yes” or “no” answer. “Do you want to go out?”, “Are you okay?”, “Can you pass the potatoes?”, “You’ve fallen down a thirty foot well. Are you hurt?”  The requirement in these cases is to say either “yes” or “no”.

Then I started to notice another alarming trend. When people talked, they would use the word “no” as a kind of preface. I started hearing “No, no, no. That’s not the way to stack the boxes.” or “No, no, no. That’s not what I meant.” (Click on the links for an audio clip example). People would use this prefacing at adults as well as children.

Usually the “no”’s come in threes and are all mushed together like a machine gun. “No-no-no…” If you take a look at the use of “no” in this way, you’ll notice that there is absolutely no reason for the preface. Your communication would be clear - perhaps clearer - by simply saying what you have to say and eliminating the word “no” altogether.

Another trend I heard - especially from parents - was the use of “no” as a shorthand. I heard “Nonono” and “Nooooh” (rising at the end, of course) and, of course, the short-and-sweet, “No!”. I often heard a combination of the warning “Noooh” punctuated with the commanding “No!”. I’ve even heard a child’s name used as an interject: “Nooooh, Johnny, no!”.

Of course I heard “no”, “no” and “no”. The first was for a child who was throwing a toy towards the head of another child, the second was a toddler who was trying to make a hasty exit from a high-chair, and the third was to a dog who had run off with a shoe. I started to notice that, excepting the closed-ended, yes/no question which requires these words, “no” is often used as a easy (dare I say “lazy”) way of saying something.

Unfortunately for kids, the same word must be contextually translated in the moment.  Does this “no” mean that I’m misbehaving? Does this “no” mean that I’m in danger? Does this “no” mean that I’m wrong/mistaken? What does this “no” mean? Let’s look at mom or dad to see what their face is saying and try to figure it out. This seems very confusing! Why can’t mom and dad just tell me what they want?

The next question for me was: How do I stop using this overused word? I was willing to put in some hard work now in order to avoid the anguish and teeth-gnashing directed towards my offspring that might occur later.

Clear communication is very important in my personal and professional life, so the first thing I promised myself was not to be lazy. I especially started to do this with kids. I started saying “Please stop throwing your food on the floor. It makes more work for daddy.” and “Johnny, stay away from the electrical socket. It’s very dangerous.”, and actually saying what I mean. By clearly communicating in full sentences, kids stop the Pavlovian reactions (”Mom hasn’t said ‘no’ yet, it must be okay.”) and start thinking (”I don’t want to make more work for dad. I better not do that.”).

I learned some other great techniques in Barbara Coloroso’s book, Kids Are Worth It!, which has a fantastic chapter on how to remove the word “no” from your life. Coloroso offers three alternatives to saying “no”: saying “Yes, later.”, saying “Give me a minute.” and saying “Convince me.” The last of these I have implemented in my own life with my kids and it works amazingly well. “Convince me” also makes kids stop and think (I love getting kids to think).

Some people shake their heads in disbelief when I tell them I’ve eliminated the word “no” from my life and, therefore, my children’s lives, but I know that I am creating thinking children and not reactors. It can be done.  It just takes some time, focus and, most of all, effort.

I now challenge you to see if you can become a clear communicator by removing that “N” word from your life… forever!